Seventy x Seven


 

Here’s a surprise. It turns out I’m not so great at forgiveness.

 

I find it much easier to cling onto the stuff that irritates me than I do to let it go. I need that niggling splinter wedged under the skin to keep me alert. Something stung and the little shard of unforgiveness lets me keep it in focus so that next time that rough edge draws near I know enough to give it a wide berth. But of course I don’t really avoid it. I push the splinter in deeper so that I remember and rage.

 

Unforgiveness also keeps me in control. It appeals to my sense of self. I’m wronged, and don’t you forget it. And in harbouring the darkness I kid myself that I’ve captured it, tamed it, or at least stored it till I can use it.

 

I could make a daily list of the wrongdoers – a roll call of the guilty; the driver who cut me up, in fact anyone who jumps a queue ahead of me, the one who spreads stories about me, the neighbour who makes a noise that disturbs me, the call centre workers who can’t give me the answers I demand.

 

Forgiveness is just so hard. Perhaps because unforgiveness is so much easier. Jesus knew it was a tough ask. He also knew we’d need to do it on a daily basis. In Matthew 18 Peter asks Jesus if he should forgive those who sin against him an incredible seven times. You can hear Peter’s brain doing overtime – if I say seven times I’m going to sound so holy. No chance. Jesus’ response is that we need to forgive seventy seven times! Or an infinite number, in other words.

 

Why do I need to forgive others so many times? For one, it evens up the scales. Jesus forgives me on a daily basis. He needs to – I’m a full-time job in the forgiveness stakes. He tells me to give the same, if I expect to receive the same.

 

Also, Jesus knew all along that unforgiveness brings the weight of the world down on my shoulders, and my back can’t take it. It’s not built to take it.

 

Forgiving helps me walk more lightly in the world and it shifts my gaze for a while.

 

Maybe that’s a reason why unforgiveness can be so seductive. It’s all about me, so I can enjoy wallowing in it. But it’s like bathing in old water.

 

Forgiveness is still about me, but really it’s about me letting go, and letting the breath take me up beyond. It’s about forgetting myself.

 

In all of this I know one thing for certain. Tomorrow I’ll be saying the same thing. I’m not so great at forgiveness.

 

But hopefully I’ll be down to 69 times seven.

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